Every day I feel like I think of a zillion things to blog about. This blog that nobody will ready for 4 months or so... but still.
Yesterday I felt like I did EVERYTHING wrong. It started the day before when JCPE and I were chatting rings and I started to be like "oh, maybe we can do this, or that, or call this guy or do this thing" and finally he was like "omg! stop!" Crapfest he's totally right, I need to stop meddling! I'm crazy! It's like when my parents were deciding to get married and my mom picked out a few rings and my dad bought the cheapest one (or so the story goes). So OF COURSE for me I would try to meddle my way into having a similar story even though I swore my whole life that I wouldn't.
I'm wearing my mom's ring now. It's beautiful. She gave it to me for Christmas last year and I love wearing it. It has actually be a perfect "on the cusp of getting engaged" accessory. It's taught me responsibility (how many times one can lose a diamond ring on the spice rack is actually quite impressive) and my mind always wanders to marriage. How I want my own to be, how my parent's marriage was...
So last night after a massive day of failure (when I literally couldn't make a food decision, did a random number generator, counted down Seamless web for 123 open restaurants and ordered Sushi from the original place I had considered ordering from) I was laying face down on my yoga mat in the living room. In that exact way where you can see all the dust and dirt on the floor. JCPE came home and I said "THE FLOOR IS SOOOOO DIRTY" he said "of course it is, there's a ton of snow and ice and dirt all over outside, it's winter." As in, he doesn't care. I care, but I'm not going to care too much.
So when I think of my mother and my grandmother and their lives and their marriages I think mostly about how my Grandma told my mom that she wished she hadn't spent so much time cleaning right before she died. That was her regret, the house didn't have to be as clean as she made it, she could have spent more time hanging out. My mom has said the same thing, she's said she was sorry for being angry about messes. Not that I'll never be angry about messes, I totally will be. But, for now, I don't mind doing yoga in the middle of a dirty floor if it means that afterwards instead of swiffering and vacuuming and dusting... I can sit next to JCPE on the couch and cuddle instead, because that's infinitely more important. Thank you Mom and Grandma for teaching me that.