I KNOW that just a few months ago I cried about everyone thinking that I was pregnant all the time.
Now that I AM pregnant - I can't tell if I look more pregnant - or just the same amount of 'chubby' that I always was? Most of me looks the same - except my face that is covered with broken capillaries from getting sick and always in a state of half-asleep.
I cannot WAIT to look pregnant for realz! I bought some long tank tops from target this weekend and some dresses that have the weird pregnancy ruching on them - but I haven't tried them on yet - because I can't decide yet if it's baby that's making me like this - or the fact that I ate lasagna and pizza and hummus for lunch today.
Two weeks from today we're going to our 12 week check-up then we'll let everyone know!
Last time we confirmed that there IS indeed a baby in there (besides the feeling awful part I can't tell it's in there) so we were delighted when they actually saw it in there!
This is awesome! If they win - Juan Carlos gets a huge meeting with really important Movie people!
He's neck and neck with another project and pushing him past the line would be awesome - so many more people would get to see the movie - and it's so so important!
You can vote through Sunday!
Twice so far I've flat out refused to be near people because I hate their faces. WHAT!? That is SO MEAN - what kind of person does that? Once in San Jose a group of friends were walking and met friends I didn't know and one of them totally hit me the wrong way and I literally went to a restaurant and got a table that wouldn't fit him and said oh - sorry. He was a fine looking person but to me he looked like the Flukeman from X-Files. I just googled it - I don't know why I would do that! I threw up already today.
THEN on my flight home from DC this week there was a guy at the gate and I just KNEW I would have to sit next to him - his face was a little - oh he had some acne - and he had this greasy Chinese food and I knew I couldn't sit next to him. He sat down before me and I bee lined for the back of the plane and started to cry.
I just want to say that I'm sorry perfectly nice gentlemen who are perfectly fine looking. I know I didn't say to your face that I didn't like it - but I didn't like it just because it existed - and that's totally fucked up.
In possibly related news I feel horrible.
Tired in a way that I've never ever been before - and I've had Mono! hahahah
5 weeks today - very very nervous - very very sensitive. Sipping ginger beer and lighting candles so that every thing that smells horrible will go away.
Started writing a journal to the baby - I love it and I want to hug it and I can't wait for the baby to read it - in like what - 5 years? When do people learn to read? 4?
I bought my first baby thing this week - for the baby's room (half the office? How much room to they need? I can't wait for someone to come and help us figure that out!) I've always wanted this when we had a baby - I think it sets the tone.
The Know How trailer is here finally! Also some amazing news the movie is in the Madrid International Film Festival and Juan Carlos has been nominated for Best Director AND one of the stars is nominated for Best Actress!!
We've been trying... trying. You know.
Today we got a positive result! Not putting this live just yet - and probably not for a while --- but just wanted to write it down!
we did it!
Juan's movie is premiering at Cinequest in San Jose on March 8th! If you happen to be in North Cali we'd love you to join us! Buy your tickets here. The film is the story of kids in Foster Care- written by actual kids in Foster Care - and they're the kids in the movie - and they are great people that we are lucky to have in our lives! I cannot wait for the world to see it!
Our good friend Jamie's sister Michelle (who is also a good friend) is an amazing artist and she created the official poster for the film. It is extraordinary!
Have I mentioned that I stumbled upon "Diana Vreeland: The Eye Has to Travel" on Netflix recently? I think I must have. Since I am obsessed with it.
I've been thinking that everything I wear needs to be more flowy, prettier, and if nothing more just a bit more fabulous. I've also wanted to be comfortable - and also a Golden Girl - so there is only one big answer: Kaftans.
I purchased one on Etsy and had a heck of a time finding others - finally I found the Rizalman collection at Zalora Malaysia. I became OBSESSED with it! I would come back to the dark blue one over and over (note: the jewels are attached! attached!!) But the don't ship to the US. I decided to just give it a shot and see what they would say if I sent them a Facebook message asking nicely if they ever shipped abroad. A few exchanges later, I agreed to buy more than one and they spoke to DHL to get the shipping costs right - and they were on their way to me!
They are all amazing! I wore one to work already and one out to dinner - Juan insisted I write down that I love them and that they're going to be a thing - just in case they DO become a thing - so I can say I knew it!
Super honored that Planned Parenthood Professionals of LA put a spotlight on my Millennial Train trip in their most recent newsletter!
Please help me cross the finish line by donating HERE.
Oh my god my face. I have so much to do.
Sometimes it is hard to even list everything I have to do let alone put them in some sort of priority order! Last night as I was trying to sleep I was thinking about how I don't have 30 seconds to breathe until June.
1. I love my job. I very very much want to be great at it - that takes a lot of my time - and a lot of trying to figure out how I can be honest and caring while also being successful. I believe in this - and I want that to come across. Sometimes I feel like I work always - but also I WANT to work always. Soooo I don't have an answer, I just know it is hard to manage.
2. Millennial Train - I want to go! I'm really really grateful that I have this opportunity to go on this amazing journey - I have 2 weeks left to raise almost $3,500 and I'm very excited but also a little nervous! I should be tweeting and writing blog posts and putting it out there I just haven't - and I'll pay for it if I don't! My coworker was just like 'Taylor you need to put it out there!' hahah I know how to online organize! I just need to do it.
3. PPYP - I decided about 6 months ago that I needed an extra thing to do and I signed up to be a co-chair of Planned Parenthood's Bingo event in May. This was months ago! There is so much to do and I've been terrible and haven't done anything! I just had a long talk with the chairs of the board last night and there are a lot of auction items to secure and things to confirm - but nothing I can't handle. I just need to push my self to DO it.
4. Health - this is 4th. Which isn't great. I tried for a few weeks to lower my medication because I - in spite of being busy - am very happy - and that was a little bit of a setback as well. Teetering on that ledge of being depressed again was scary - and I'm glad I'm on the other side of that one. It is going to take things like exercising (I AM using my fitbit and it's hilarious and keeping me on my toes a little bit) and eating better and sleeping at all -- lots of things -- but they never come first.
5. Creativity - I want to be creative. I love reading and I even tried a little bit of writing (because I finally read 'on writing' hi Stephen! I love you) and I want to crochet things and there is wallpaper I'd like to put up and I hate all of my clothes. ha
MORE importantly than any of these numbers I'm married to someone amazing. Someone amazing who last night I went to dinner with and we just stared at each other with our eyes half open and talked about how much we want it to be the weekend - not like that matters we'll still work a lot this weekend. Then we both rushed home for 9pm phone calls - I did some cleaning and reading - he did some exercising. What I really want to do is just hang out with him. Look at his face and think loving things.
PLUS I have a family & friends I want to see. LA Friends I should be hanging out with all the time, NY friends who I want to come visit, LV friends who we need to plan get aways with. I need to get my tickets to Prague to see Kincade. I should call my in-laws because I miss them.
I guess the question is: How does anyone balance it all?
Or at least get past the panic and actually DO stuff.
What does your network look like?
Visualize it on Linkedin here.
In my never ending quest to re-define my style and also get as many free things in the mail as possible I took the Julep Style Profile quiz. Usually these things are pretty lame - imagine my surprise when the result is literally what I'm going for and have had such a hard time defining.
I mean I'm not yet. But I sure want to be.
I AM NOT PREGNANT AMERICA!
I just got so deliciously worked up today about people staring at my tummy. Today I wore a dress that looks freaking awesome on me when I have a little meat on my bones. It's tight - and it shows that I have a tummy. Just because I have one does not mean I'm having a baby. If it was just me feeling bad about myself I could live with that - but people - real people outdoors talk about it all the time. Why?
I could stand up straighter and suck in more and run at all and eat less but fuck I'm busy. There might come a day when I'm fit again but it isn't today, and it isn't tomorrow. I've had a flat tummy - and the irony is that a lot of the time when I did I had someone in my life telling me I was fat everyday anyway.
I'm fat as a pig and I haven't had my hair done in months - but I'm happy- really happy. It probably shows. - Holly Golightly (As Audrey Hepburn who was never fat ever)
Fuck feeling like I have to drink at parties (I mean obviously I drink at all parties) but feeling like if I didn't have a drink in my hand people would question. Come to think of it fuck you person who asked another person if I was pregnant when I went on Weight Watchers and didn't drink excessively at a party. Circle. Problem.
Fuck you kid on the train who asked me if I'm having a boy or a girl last week. I know you felt bad - but I'm certainly not the most pregnant looking person on this train - plenty of dudes on here look like they could be having twins - but nobody will ever ask them. Fuck you lady at Good Will who thought it was ok to exclaim ARE YOU PREGNANT!?! No. I'm Not. Don't apologize - just know for next time - never ever say that to someone. Fuck you guy who looked at my tummy and said 'does that mean you're married? I don't care if you're pregnant I'll take you out to dinner anyway!' Fuck you lady who thought you were teaching your son a lesson by making a big deal about him getting up off his subway seat to give it to me last year - you were proud of yourself for being a good mother. But what was I supposed to do?
I just want to be left alone - allowed to get puffy in places without social commentary. Allowed to eat whatever and wear whatever and feel ok the entire time.
Today I thought about the rest of me. I rather like my tush, my waist part (above the tummy) tucks in quite nicely, I'm busty - which I personally prefer in a lady, my nose is adorable and I have great hair.
I have more things to worry about (like cleaning my mirror - clearly). When I look at this picture and look in the mirror I feel totally fine. Other people who for some reason need to stop and stare - I wish you would stop - but if they don't I'm going to shake it off and not let it bother me anymore. I'm done feeling bad about my wiggly bits. I actually sort of like them.