I thought this advice was dumb. I'll sleep when I want to thank you! I'm a grown up.
Now that I have a baby - I want to sleep ALL THE TIME - but there are two things that happen. Either she's sleeping ON me and I can't sleep - or she's sleeping in her bed or car seat and I'm cleaning like a crazy person AND I'm bored and I want to hang out with her.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Tired & in love.
- Having to stay in the hospital
- Getting to leave the hospital
- How challenging Breast Feeding is
- How much I love feeding my baby
- Michael Jackson being dead
- Someday Flo leaving me to go out on her own
- Ordering a pizza from Dominos
- The part in 'All about that bass' that goes 'my mama she told me don't worry about your size'
- Being tired
- Wishing my mom was here all the time
Today is our first day as mama and baby alone! Juan left this morning and went to NYC for a work meeting so Flo and I are doing girl stuff. I actually have sort of been leaning towards feeling bad about my body again (which is typical after baby and of girls nights) and I was leaning towards feeling very bad recently.
I mean. I looked awesome pregnant. The best that I've ever looked ever in my life. My biggest body issue has always been my tummy and being pregnant totally erased that fear. My tummy was awesome. The few days after having Flo I was like 'yeah I got this - I feel great in my high waist undies! I could go to the beach!'
But I'm eating carbs again - because I want Flo to eat more and also I Just want carbs - and I had a baby four weeks ago. Even the doctor said that I can't exercise for at least 6 weeks... Not like I'm much of an exerciser or ever have been. I don't know I just feel that negative body voice trying to get my goat again.
Then I was thinking --- dios mio Taylor you just had a baby. You spent 8 months eating no carbs - you gained zero pounds being pregnant... You deserve a break. And Flo deserves a better role model.
Today and tomorrow we are doing what we want. That includes eating quesadillas for breakfast - going for walks with cookies in our pockets and drinking coffee that tastes like cake (hi coffee bean!) watching crappy tv and cuddling.
This time is so. Special. We don't even have to abide by the rules of daytime or nighttime - nobody has to go to work in the morning so Flo and I are just going to hang. Eventually (soon - in the next few days) I'll have to find a nanny or a day care or something for her and it hurts my heart so badly.
So what we learned from day one is that we love our bodies - 4 weeks ago they went through a huge change. One of us had a baby and the other started breathing air. We are both going to stop worrying so much (right Flo? No reason to cry!) because we want to remember this forever.
It has been quite the two weeks!! Juan wrote about it days and days ago and I haven't felt like I've had two seconds to write it all down. It truly is amazing how you forget to eat and shower and answer emails and do anything when all you want to do is feed your baby and stare at her tummy to make sure she's breathing 24/7. She's hilarious and gorgeous. Right now she's sitting in her car seat on the floor of the living room -- it's 5pm but it's getting dark already since the time changed this past weekend.
I don't even care where the days have gone I just want to spend them looking at her.
Florence was due November 1st - but we all felt that she was going to come a little early. I planned to work the week of the 20th and then take the next week to sit around the house and get ready for the baby.
On Monday the 20th we moved to our temporary offices at the Biltmore hotel - I was up at 6am (ish) online with my coworker checking the phone situation - I was scheduled to work until 10pm so around 8:30 I went back to bed and took an awesome nap until around 11. I went to work and stayed there until about 9:45pm. Even though I vowed never to be alone in that haunted hotel! On my way out there was one person there and I said something to him and he was like 'what? I have no idea what you said.' Meaning literally I couldn't make words I was so tired. I hopped in a car and came home - and of course couldn't fall asleep!
After a few good hours of playing 'Flow' on my phone and reading I finally was able get to sleep - I'm going to guess it was around 1:30am. At 2:50 I woke up having to pee - which was pretty normal - I opened my eyes and thought 'woah I really need to go to the bath.... OMG I'm peeing! I'm peeing right now in my bed!' I jumped up and Juan woke up as I ran from our room to the bathroom saying 'my water is breaking!!!' I stood in the shower thinking - ok this is really happening.
We got to the hospital around 3:20 half expecting to be sent home again - we got mixed messages about water breaking - some people were like oh it doesn't mean labor is starting - others were the opposite. Juan dropped me off at the Stork drop off and the security guard wheeled me up to the 4th floor of Kaiser. The first thing they do is attach all kinds of monitors to you - take your blood pressure etc and then come in to verify that you're not faking the whole water thing. We passed the test and the Doctor said something hilarious like 'ok we've confirmed your water has broken we are committed to delivering your baby.' So we got to stay!
The deal with Kaiser is that all of the doctors are great - and whoever is there is your doctor. So when we were moved to the delivery room there was a midwife on call and by the time we had the baby there was another doctor - we were at the tail end of a nurse shift as well and then had the same nurse for the rest of the day.
We had a very vague birth plan - I wanted to try to avoid drugs if I could but I didn't want to rule it out. I guess technically I was in labor about 15 hours but it honestly didn't feel that long I don't know where the day went. At first they weren't too bad then they progressively got worse we tried a few things - walking around the garden (which they have) which involved me leaning on Juan every minute or so and saying 'nope I can't do this' then the shower where I sat on a chair with the hot water running on me and Juan stood next to me in his swim suit.
Finally I just couldn't take it anymore - I'm not sure if I cried I know I threw up - it was just too much to take and we had them come to do the epidural. It was amazing - I was able to rest a little bit and before I knew it I was ready to go. Juan and I watched Team America and he got some food from the cafeteria. I asked the nurse to turn me over a few times I couldn't feel my bottom half!
At 5:15 the nurse put a bar above the bed for me to put my legs up on - and a sheet around the bar for me to pull on. I'd never seen anything like it - and I've obviously never had a baby - but it was a pretty smart way to go. I started pushing - deep breaths and holding them in and pushing - making noises I've never made before! Juan watched the whole thing - the first 45 mins is just trying to get her head out! Juan was so supportive and amazed during the whole thing - finally they called the doctor and he came in to finish the job. A few more pushes and he asked me to stop pushing (which is hard!) and I coughed her out the rest of the way! For real - he asked me to cough a few times.
When they put her on my tummy I remember grabbing at her tummy and pulling her close. She was so small - she felt like a chicken - like a little cornish hen. The nurse tried to get her to cry but Flo wasn't having it. She put her head down and grabbed my hand. She's the best. So alert and so hilarious and so beautiful! Her first sounds were these monkey sounds like oooh oooh oooh - just amazing! We got her cleaned and weighed and the put a hat on her and she's ours!!
She'll be 4 weeks tomorrow - that's how long it took me to finally write all of this down! Busy mama times and a lot more that I want to blog about so more to come soon!
Words cannot express what an awesome job my sister did planning the shower!
I only have one picture of my mom pregnant with me - and we wanted to make sure that we have more than a few to show Flo when she's older - Juan has a great camera - AND he's going to be using the heck out of it in the next few years taking pictures as only a dad can do! Here are some good ones of me at home - as Juan said - just living and hanging out in our space while we're still a party of two!
Today it's been one year since Uncle Dale passed away. It is one of those things that it feels like forever and it feels like no time at all at the same time. It was just a regular season opener Sunday and I was asleep early in the morning when Juan came running in with his phone --- Kincade's on the line! Something happened to Uncle Dale! --- I can't remember what Kincade said but I remember screaming --- what? He's dead!? No! and sobbing for the next week solid. It'll hurt every time I think about it -- at least the Bears won that day (unlike yesterday!).
I think about Dale all the time - mostly in the context of my baby that will never get to meet him. I haven't even met HER but I know they'd get a kick out of each other. The weekend of the funeral was also the weekend we planned to stop taking birth control. I had gone to the doctor and planned everything out - I had waited until I did all the check ups necessary. So in Chicago I looked at Juan and said - ok I'm stopping today - do you think that's still ok? He said yes - we needed to keep life going.
A few months ago I had a dream that I was at Grandma Finch's house and she was giving me baby clothes that she made and Dale came over. He rang the doorbell and she let him in and they were laughing together and having a great time. I don't believe in a lot - but I like to think that was the both of them saying how excited they are for us - shit maybe Grandpa Finch and Grandpa Tony were there too - healthy and happy.
Dale - I have the music box you gave me when I was a baby all ready for Florence - she will love it and she will pass it on - as we all will pass on your memory forever. We love you oh so much.
Juan's parents were there the first time Juan felt the baby! We had just had brunch and were hanging out in the living room and she started kicking like crazy (she loves brunch). So glad we have these pictures to share with her!
Lately I've been thinking about how I'm going to help the baby be a good friend - and recognize which of her friends are worth her time and attention. I've had some pretty abusive friendships in the past and I don't want to expose my daughter to something like that - but of course I also want her to make her own mistakes and own decisions.
I know I have a lot of time before this is a thing but I was leaning towards telling her to make sure she is happy - and to no feel guilt for choosing to move on from a friendship that isn't working. My mom once told me that she always knew I'd get out of my 'bad' friendships on my own - but I don't know if I always have - and sometimes it involved years of abuse until I found the courage to leave. I want the baby to know that moving on is always an option.
I also never wanted to act like I didn't have good times with people who I'm not friends with anymore - I did and it wasn't easy to choose to lose both the bad and the good.
I found this quote today from Daniell Koepke that does a way better job of saying what I want to say.
Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
Four piece bff necklace available here - but girls there is no way that ends well!
I'm ready for all of the advice!
There are three things on our Amazon registry so far - (HERE) - but obviously there is so much stuff and so many options! We don't want to get a lot of crap that we won't need in the end - so that's why I'm reaching out to all of the awesome parents that I know!
I would love to know what you loved and hated in baby carriers / crib things / feeding things / bottles / clothes / just anything and everything!Read more
Around 2002 the Atkins Diet was all the rage. I have a friend who lost a ton of weight on it just in time to head to the beach for vacation. My memory might be exaggerating a tinge but I remember her being a little snappy and unhappy during that time period - skinny yes, but unhappy. My sister tried it and I called home to check in and asked my Dad how everyone was and he said 'oh you know your sister is downstairs attacking a loaf of bread - so everything is fine.'
I also had a friend get Type 1 Diabetes when she was in Junior High. I was a little bit younger than her and it was a big deal that the older girl on the block was in the hospital for a few days. We generally got the picture that she couldn't have sugar anymore and that she had to start taking shots.
Neither of these things are things that I ever though would affect me. I'm not insane so I never planned to eliminate carbs - and there is no history of Diabetes in my family so I just ruled it out.
I have several pregnancy books and each discusses Gestational Diabetes in less than 2 paragraphs - it's something that happens to 5% of women it says -- history & weight & diet all can be a part of it -- you'll get tested around week 24 they say -- so don't worry about it.
Instead I was tested in week 12 and the test was positive - and I'm pretty sure that number is more like 1 in 5 women get it (which last time I was a mathematician wasn't 5%)
I was livid - basically like "there is no way this is true I'd like to re-take the test - I don't believe you". PLUS I was headed to Europe in two days and I wanted to eat delicious food while I was there.
Before I got pregnant I was the heaviest that I had ever been. I knew that I should get in shape but I was tired and my husband loves me no matter what and I was trying to get pregnant so why get skinny when I was just going to get fat on purpose in the next few months? After I got pregnant I was like - great! Now I can eat whatever! That wasn't the case since most things made me puke - but candy and juice were things I was able to keep down. So I ate A LOT of candy.
I know that GD isn't my fault but sometimes it feels like it is. I could have been a better pregnant lady in the beginning and ate healthier. Nobody in my family has ever had Diabetes, nobody is obese - there just weren't any warning signs for me until it was too late. There are MANY scary things on the internet that talk about what happens next for me. The baby could be big and that could complicate birth - the baby could get diabetes - I could get real diabetes that lasts longer than 9 months - if I get pregnant again my chances of this happening again are super high.
Maybe I needed a wakeup call to be healthier?
There were a few times in my life that I thought that my weight would just fall off. When I stopped working in a place where food was free all the time and I could literally order the most delicious breakfast ever every day (everything bagel scooped with muenster and tomato - I love you 4eva) -- or when I found out I was pregnant and stopped drinking booze. Alas, the weight never 'falls off.' Until now.
The good (and kind of weird news) is that since being pregnant & finding out I have GD I have lost 13 pounds! Which means that carbs were the answer this entire time! Delicious delicious carbs - you ARE the reason I thought it was impossible for me to lose weight. Now I know that even with a sweet potato sized parasite taking all my nutrients I can get down to a healthy weight pretty quickly.
In the future I'll eat better (probably not carb free all the time but better) - in the meantime it's all the meat and veggies and tofu and cheese that I can fit in to feel full at least some of the time!
It isn't the worst thing that has ever happened - and in the end it probably IS for the best that I get heathy - but shit it is hard!
A note to my friends who donated!
You might remember that months and months ago I was raising money to join the Millennial Train across the country! You stepped up and donated - that was really really awesome of you.
I have a teeny update that comes with some good news! Juan Carlos and I are expecting a baby on November 1st!
I'm just going to be too pregnant to take the train across the country and fly back home in late August so I'm going to have to cancel my trip. It is actually a blessing in disguise that the trip was moved since the original dates were smack in the middle of my morning-sickness (which has luckily subsided).
Your generous donation will not be charged - so there are no refunds to be made.
Although I would have loved to join the train and I truly believe in the mission I am looking forward to our own little adventure to start!
Thank you again for supporting me always. I am very lucky to have you in my life.