I was just thinking about something that happened to me half my lifetime ago that made me feel terrible - and a. I'd like to stop thinking about things that make me feel terrible and b. maybe writing it down will make it less terrible.
And really it's like a .1 on the terrible scale.
When I was a senior in high school I was a waitress at a small mom and pop Jewish deli. One day I wrote the specials board something about separate plates, and I spelled separate wrong. I do this still sometimes - I write seperate. Spell check catches it and I get this flash of memory of this woman asking me if I went to school. I said 'yes actually I just got accepted to NYU!' and she said 'Did they make you spell separate on the application?' I didn't know what she was talking about at first and just laughed it off. When I realized I felt horrible and embarrassed.
I hate the things that stick with you over the years. I got mad at someone on the train the other day and muttered something mean - I wish I hadn't done that either - but all I can do is move on and try to be nicer than that lady was to me and nicer than I was to the stranger on the train and just be nicer.
Today I was reminded about a woman who did the shittiest thing anyone has ever done to me - I hate thinking about her because people have been mean to me when I deserved it - people have confronted me like grown ups - but this particular person did something so mean and rude that it is beyond my comprehension. It seems to me that she very clearly has a list of people she wants to be mean to and goes through that list systematically. I just can't believe someone would be that awful. The worst part is she's rewarded for it because she's gotten pretty far - how can you get away with being a bitch? How can that possibly be ok? Like, in your entire life?
Women deserve so much better.
I'm also watching Ink Masters for some reason - and there is this woman - Emily - who is such. a. bitch. and I wonder why people are like that? What was your family like? Did you have to just crush the people around you to get dinner? Did you get rewarded for making others cry? What is wrong with your parents?
I'm the mother to a girl who will be a woman who will be nice to everyone - who will try her best to include everyone - who will never intentionally hurt another woman and bring her down. She will fuck up but she'll learn from it - and if that doesn't get her past the bitches who are clawing their way to the top then good for her - that's not how you create change and that's not how you gain respect.
Question: To provide more details, should you flush out or flesh out your plan?
Answer: flesh out How to remember it: Think of fleshing out a skeleton.
To flesh out something is to give it substance, or to make it fuller or more nearly complete.
To flush out something is to cause it to leave a hiding place, e.g., "The birds were flushed out of the tree." It can also be used figuratively, as in "flush out the truth."
Someone once asked me what I regarded as the three most important requirements for happiness. My answer was: A feeling that you have been honest with yourself and those around you; a feeling that you have done the best you could both in your personal life and in your work; and the ability to love others.
It was a little too literal - and a little too on the nose. I'll post it in a year or so.
But going to my 'notes' on my phone at 4am brought me to this dream I had right before I moved to LA
Coming back from vacation with Kanter we were both blondes. We were in a taxi that wasn't official there was a little pay stub thing on the back like a tiny iPod. Then he took us into the city and on the west side highway and we saw a ton of people water skiing and playing in the river and we went to join them. Met a bunch of people and joined them walking down this path out into the water. One person almost hit the pathway. We ended up in this circle concrete island with a roof and there was a giant seal that I was scared of. Then sometimes I'm with Juan who is really excited about skiing and sometimes I'm with Julia who got in trouble bc I saw a girl yell 'ahh the republican man!!' And we laughed and another girl got mad.
So I'm back in this weird line to learn how to ski and they make you climb a ladder and wait and I'm there talkin to people and someone looks down and there are huuuuuuuuge dead fish floating by and I sit into the ladder and hold on tight then I see that there is a rope monkey bar challenge to get to the end and I cry and say no way The prize at the end turns out to be berries and fruit like 'in The Lord of the rings' so finally I'm like we have to get our stuff out of the cab I think his name was Janos.
So we leave and one guy tells me to get an agent bc I look like someone famous and then I'm on a train I think with Natalie and we are at our stop and my yarn is everywhere and I'm gathering it and I can't find her. Then we are in a room in a nice house and dressed like the 30s and she (who is now Natalie and ek) says she is staying to marry some old man and I'm like are you sure? Then I'm home with Juan at my moms and they are mad at me and Juan's like 'don't forget we need wetsuits!'
Then I'm getting the stuff out of the cab finally and I hear a narrator say '24 hours later we finally got our stuff from Janos' cab. I never thought I would be the last person to see someone before they die. I left the trunk a little open since it was empty..' Then a tow truck barrels through and hits another car and a tire comes rolling down hops over the car lands in the trunk of the cab and all the cars explode.
These past few days I've run into such bitchy moms on the internet. From the minute you start googling any question you can find them - the judgy, mean, horrible women who just want to make other women feel bad. One of the first few nights I brought Flo home I was tired and scared and it was a little cold and I googled 'what should the temperature of my baby's room be' or something like that and some of the moms were like 'WHY WOULD YOU LET YOUR BABY BE COLD' and 'HOW DARE YOU PUT YOUR BABY IN ANOTHER BED' and 'HOW DARE YOU NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR BABY' and 'EVERYTHING YOU DO IS CAUSING SIDS' I was so sad reading through the comments on the forums. A new mom needs a place to ask questions without being totally judged - even the places that have the best intentions get clouded sometimes.
I thought I found that in a few fun private Facebook groups. Ladies 'nicely bitch' (I just made that term up) about their mother in laws (MILS), husbands, poop, daycare etc. It's fun and supportive. Then once in a while the crazies come out. Yesterday someone posted something about being angry that formula exists at all - and another person said 'nobody here takes breastfeeding seriously' and then there was this huge fight.
Breastfeeding a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I have tons of questions - I've cried about it a lot - my baby is growing like a weed and sometimes I worry that I can't keep her full with just my milk - so I drink a lot and eat a lot and tried formula (she hated it) -- so I worry more. The thing I need is support and finally someone to say - formula isn't poison - you are doing your best and goddamn it this is hard. I think everyone who's ever had a baby deserves a zillion dollars and a massage and a million points on the scorecard of life - I would never ever suggest to another mom that she wasn't going through something just as tough - if not tougher.
I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good friend to other moms. I don't want to turn into a person who freaks out at the sight of formula or a baby without socks on. Juan Carlos was a formula baby and he's perfect! I'm sure I'll mess up - I've already done things where I'm like shoot... ok don't do that again. When I start to beat myself up about it I stop by thinking about how much I love my Flo and how much she doesn't need a mom who's insane.
Also - most importantly I'm teaching Flo to be kind. I'm leading by example.
It is so hard not to call Flo pretty every time I talk to her! I keep saying 'Mama loves you Pretty Girl!' and 'Oh Flo! You're so beautiful!'
Which she is. She's very pretty.
She's also very smart, and very kind and very happy and loving and good.
I found this list via @thatgirlonline via instagram and I am indeed going to make an effort to call my strong girl strong.
Um. Does anyone remember Are you Afraid of the Dark?
Like. REMEMBER REMEMBER?
My sister and I have recently started watching it on Amazon Prime - and although there are seven seasons we remember every episode like I just saw it 30 seconds ago. The silver coated computer 'virus', the cigars in the microwave, the dead girl from the 50s prom night, the weird snake thing with the pool, the mirrors that steal your soul, OMG the Leprechaun 'what's mine is yours what's yours is mine!'
I'm 900% convinced that 'Are you Afraid of the Dark' is a weird Canadian curse set on America in the 90s and will someday come true - just a matter of time.
It is such a weird sensation to watch something (now I remembered a dead girl in a room with stuff written all over the wall) and have it bring you to a total time warp back to the past!
I l.o.v.e. scary things. I'm a wimp and I hate watching them but I love them. It makes no sense. My mom read Stephen King books when I was a kid and would tell me what happened - Gerald's Game as told by Bobbi ruined many dark nights. I just learned that my Grandma took my mom to the movies to see Psycho -- which IMDB tells me mom was 5 when that happened. Explains why I want to tell Flo what's happening in all my Stephen King books! It's genetic I guess.
I'm super into passing the bug on to the next generation!
I said out loud that I was feeling PPD coming on and you came out of the woodwork in droves to show your support. So many people reached out to me today to tell me that they support me and that I'm not alone and to share their stories with me. I consider myself an introvert and it has never been easy for me to share my feelings - I'm doing it now - and I'm getting so much back I wish I had done it always.
Your love and support and encouragement for talking about the hard stuff is going to change my life - and it is going to change Flo's life.
Everything is fine - great actually! I felt myself sliding a little bit into depression this weekend and have done steps to nip it in the bud. My stomach hurts and I'm tired, but mentally - I'm proud of pushing through what could have been really really bad - and of course it's not over.
Saturday morning after a really rough week at work (honestly it is really hard to be back after three months - it is hard to come back to work after a 2 week vacation so obviously there are going to be speed bumps and growing pains after three months of thinking 100% about Flo and 0% about work) Flo was screaming her little head off and I was checking email. It happened that I heard from two friends at the same time about their troubles conceiving. I was holding this screaming thing and feeling such an overwhelming mixture of sadness and joy. My heart breaks for my friends - I am so lucky to have a little screaming muffin.
Our mama / daughter nap on Saturday lacked the enthusiasm from my side that it had before. It actually kind of felt like 'laying in bed because you're depressed.' When I first was pregnant I saw a Social Worker at the hospital since I have a history of depression (that I control with medication) and she said that women who have been depressed often are able to get through postpartum depression because they can recognize the signs.
I told Juan at dinner last night. Right away he jumped on the things that could help me. My family started calling and I made plans to go for a walk today. In the last 24 hours I've spent time outside - held Flo while she cried - got my shit together for the week ahead - and spent a lot of time talking to my family and friends. I actually feel really good talking about it. For me with my depression I only got on the road to feeling better in the first place because I finally acknowledged it.
I also bought myself an iphone 6 - because we're a 'feel better by shopping' family.
We are obsessed with our neighborhood! Flo and I go on 2 hour walks every day - and the other day we ended up higher in the Los Feliz hills than we had ever been. We turned a corner and I'm pretty sure I stopped and said 'holy shit' These are some houses!
since these days i can mostly type with only one hand - hence the lowercase - i thought that during my 'thinking time' aka the hours we walk each day - omg that reminds me i forgot to listen to serial today! - i could talk it out. the hilarious results that read like voice mail emails are below!
Hi things out testing testing this microphone hey so it is Monday and Florence and I are on our walk of the day at 11 AM and I am really tired just trying to figure out you know how to do my daily a hang and then also take care of person really really busy lately which has been really just exhausting if you like even if I nap or if I sleep this is never like and then also this is everything that I expected you know I knew that it wasn't hard tired I knew I'd be Saturday carry new much work and all the stuff so it's not that any of this is coming you know that surprises just the way so the other day I got pretty upset about daycare only because you want to see our first daycare to know if you see any of them first one syndicate option location wise it was something that I could pick up from the Walker home and I'm wanted to go there in the morning but is just not from us it was not as cool as I wanted to be the leader was very nice but it wasn't like someplace where I thought I could see us leaving our baby --Read more
I thought this advice was dumb. I'll sleep when I want to thank you! I'm a grown up.
Now that I have a baby - I want to sleep ALL THE TIME - but there are two things that happen. Either she's sleeping ON me and I can't sleep - or she's sleeping in her bed or car seat and I'm cleaning like a crazy person AND I'm bored and I want to hang out with her.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Tired & in love.