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Patches, I’m depending on you son…*

6 January 2012 No Comment

I need a new hobby. I often think that I could have been really good at a lot of things… but something always stood in my way. Something of course being how terrible I feel about myself all the time. For a large part of my life I wanted to work in fashion and I worked a lot on my own making gifts for friends and teaching myself how to use the sewing machine. I had an etsy store for a little while but I was embarrassed about it. I wasn’t a professional which is fine! But I was weird about it… and now homemade shabby chic is totally the jam. I let a few people with negative reactions really hurt my feelings and I just didn’t want to continue, something was missing.

I had a food blog but I also got embarrassed about it, I had a personal blog and I shut it down. I feel halfway between ok and not ok all the time and I think that really held me back, sort of forever. I remember in elementary school there was this competition to go to Iceland for a science thing and I applied but didn’t finish the application. Someone called my house and asked me to finish and I said I wasn’t able to. What a weird thing for a 5th grader to do. I also remember very vividly wanting to win a trip to Space Camp (I KNOW and now I don’t even believe in space!) and I just spent all my time hoping I would win. I think that’s really telling about who I am and what I’ve done with my life. Working hard made me uncomfortable but I really just hope something awesome happens.

Sheesh. That’s hard to talk about and makes me feel awful, but I think about it all the time… so here we are.

I guess what I’m saying is that even though I really feel like I can’t possibly learn anything else… I have to keep learning. For real, and hard. If I don’t push for it nothing is ever going to change. I make excuses to myself all the time like… hey! I got married before I was 30 to someone AWESOME! I make a good amount of money, I came to NYC with 4 boxes & a suitcase and now I have a home and a family here and that’s awesome!

I need to work harder. This. Isn’t. Enough. Not anymore. My husband gave me the confidence to do what I’ve done so far, I never would have joined any groups or met new people or changed jobs without his support. Now I need to give myself the confidence to do the rest.

Weird intro for a blog about taking an online course about patchwork huh?

I want to make a quilt, so I bought this online class this morning (even though I’m crazy busy right now, what is going on productivity and multi-multi-tasking)

I signed up through one of my new favorite sites Red Velvet.

 

* This is one of JCPE’s favorite songs. On our first date we were standing in line to use the restroom in Central Park and he played it for me from his ipod.

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